Dreaming/WILD

(featuring photographs of Venardos Circus performance in Colorado Springs, Co, July 16, 2022)

On July 13th this year, I turned 37 (no shame in my game). And what a year it’s been. I can’t help but think back one year ago when my sister, Sarah came to visit me in the Rockies, I was still pregnant. She attended my baby shower + a few days later, on my birthday we explored Garden of the Gods. The next morning she was back on a plane heading home. Nothing too crazy. I was in my third trimester, after all. Though it was great for the Spirit to see her.

But this year it was all different.

I’ve got an (almost) one year old now. I’ve been working my tuckus off to try and remain a stay-at-home mother by following my passions + intuition. I don’t claim to have anything in this life figured out, but I do like to share what I’ve learned so far as an artist, creative + wild mother. And since I’ve been working hard at sharing my content and serving new photography + social media clients, I allowed myself to actually plan something that was just for me, for my birthday. (Okay… it was for Mojave, too.)

This year, I decided on a whim (as most great stories start) to purchase myself a ticket to attend the traveling circus that had come to town. I had heard of the Venardos Circus in passing over the previous few years, so in listening to those heart songs of longing for a lifetime past (more on that in a minute), I purchased one as soon as I learned they would be visiting Colorado Springs, which also happened to fall on the weekend following my birthday. Seemingly so perfect, maybe it was fate?

For some context, here’s a quick backstory.

I’ve mentioned this before here on M+W, but I have quite a history of performing professionally. From being a part of an independent circus troupe to stilt-walking + performing multiple shows a day at Universal Studios Orlando (as Taylor in “Poseidon’s Fury”). You may have even seen me in the background of a few feature films during the 2010’s. I was hustling hard to try and “make it”, as they say, because I rarely feel as truly alive and aligned than I do when I’m performing. I’ve pursued the performer’s life professionally for over 14 years, unprofessionally my whole life + I’ve had a handful of amazing opportunities because of it.

But at some point in my life journey, a cascade of circumstances out of my control forced me to feel as though I was being shaken awake by a world that was saying “Dream’s over, kid. Time to get a real job, this isn’t sustainable”. Only it felt more like I was drifting into a nightmare. One where every day was exactly the same. One where obligations + responsibilities were no longer emotionally manageable (even if they were now, financially) because my job wasn’t fulfilling my passions + purpose anymore. Everything suddenly felt cold, sterile and heartless all around me, though try as hard as I did to brighten things up with as many flowers of creativity as I could, I never shook that feeling that I wasn’t in alignment with my purpose. The feeling would reside just under my ribs and permeate from there to the point where it became numbingly familiar. That’s kind of what it’s like to be an artist (or anyone, really) stuck in a field of work that doesn’t encourage your inner strengths and doesn’t align you with your authentic self. My strengths just so happened to be as an artist with numerous disciplines in various mediums. I didn’t plan it this way. Passions often choose you, as numerous as they may be at times, and I find it’s for a purpose.

In the first few minutes of the circus’ opening act, I knew why I was there.

Kevin Venardos, the Ringleader + owner of Venardos Circus introduced himself to the intimate audience under the dimly lit big top and went on to share his personal story from a truly honest perspective. His vulnerability took me by surprise and was refreshing. He opened up about once being 22 years old + landing the position as Ringleader for the Greatest Show on Earth. If you had gone to see any of Barnum + Bailey’s last shows before their final curtain call in 2017, you would have watched Mr. Venardos leading the way.

He went on to explain that after their closure, he had a similar experience as myself that brought him to the lowest depths of this human experience. That is, until he remembered a train set his father used to build with him when he was younger, and his father’s words echoed to him through the years. He told him that he could be the conductor of his own train one day if he really wanted to, and it sparked the idea of starting the Venardos Circus + reigniting a dream.

I felt every word as he shared this story, and I couldn’t help but feel my own passion for the arts reignite within. It was a new feeling under my ribs, only now permeating from my heartspace. I was shown, yet again, that once you’ve suffered the bite of the performance bug, life really never is the same again.

If I’m being honest with myself (and let’s face it, that’s the whole goal), I will admit that my own nostalgia during the show opened up a door within me that I hadn’t dared open in years. A door that led to the possibility of an alignment opportunity yet again. When I asked him if they were hiring, I don’t know what I was expecting, but what Mr. Venardos said to me between acts definitely made me stop in my tracks.

He told me to send in my resume.

I drove home with a head full of dreams + possible outcomes and I must say, for once in my life as a performer, I had to pause to debate what the implications would mean if I ever did decide to pick up my performing shoes again (or stilts, in this case). Being a mother changes everything.

Or does it?

I know for me, growing up across the United States was an experience I would never trade for anything. I truly believe it’s what gave me a well-rounded view of the world and the different peoples who inhabit it. I will say, however, once I was of age to understand the implications of leaving my friends behind, it became harder to stay on the move. But what if your friends were traveling with you? I also learned that there are already a handful of performers’ children who travel with the Venardos Circus. I know, personally, the commodore + friendships that came from the performer’s life are still unmatched.

I take all the pros and cons into consideration. But I believe more and more people are becoming accepting of the various lifestyles that we choose to raise our children in, and when it comes to the secure white picket fence ideology, that ship set sail long ago for me. It is an important part of my life journey to not allow myself to get too complacent in a situation because change is consistent, for better or worse. But what if I had the chance to take more control over those parts that consistently changed? What if I could offer Mojave a chance of a lifetime to see this beautiful country we live in? It feels a lot closer to a reality at the moment than ever before.

When I think about the life that would open up for Mojave if we were to ever choose to live on the road, my heart jumps with excitement. When your Spirit tries to talk to you in this way, I’ve found it’s always best to listen. So I think I am going to turn in my resume and see what fate has in store for me next.

Besides, what sort of person “living in authenticity” would I really be if I didn’t at least send it in?

Either way, even if nothing were to ever come from this experience, I’m thankful that I had it. That’s just like Spirit to move in that way at times. To offer a test to see whether or not one still believes in their dreams. The ones we had before we became Mother. The dreams that still keep us up at night when we envision all the possible outcomes that could come of this new, vibrant life with our children.

Mojave got to experience her first circus, which clearly holds a dear place in mama’s heart, and for that I think she enjoyed it all the more. And no matter what the future holds, Mr. Venardos and his little circus that could sparked a part of my Spirit that had been dormant for years, and for that I’m honestly thankful for such a priceless birthday gift.

Find us on social media this week and let me know your thoughts on this topic. Would you take a job with a traveling circus as a mama?

Keep scrolling for more photos from the 1p performance in Colorado Springs on July 16, 2022.

Until next time, may the road rise up to meet you.

D+Mo